


that bazzi cover

by nelsy (eulyhne_syios)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 4k of that shit, Awkward First Times, Awkward Sexual Situations, M/M, Smut and Crack, Unusual Dildos, Xuxi's weird kinks, bc doyoung didn't wanna, idk man, im sorry, in a dildo-free dorm, just fooling around trying to find a decent dildo, like three seconds of bottom lucas, lmaoo, now u been knew, so dildos, technically bottom lucas, technically not even hitting it from the back, the rest of the time the three of 'em are like, tragic attempts at filming a sex tape, whole thing started bc of doyoung's bazzi cover okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 05:41:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16634018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eulyhne_syios/pseuds/nelsy
Summary: “~hit it from the back and drive you, wiil—“-Yooo, hyung, d’you even know what that means—?”“Lucas —get out. I’m rehearsing...”orLucas really wants to experience that “hit it from the back” but Mark won’t do it so he gotta have a Plan B a.k.a (a very, very reluctant) Kim Doyoung (with Mark doing yoga in the corner of the room because stress), as the three of them embark on making the worst sex tape in human history.





	that bazzi cover

**Author's Note:**

> yo this late af cuz i actually wrote this shit 2 months ago and somehow managed to hit writer's block lmaooo  
> but like, it's here. now. 
> 
> *uneasy laughter*

“Jeez, Lucas — _of course_ I know what it _means..._ ” He rolled his eyes, groaning —Doyoung had only another hour and a half to finish shooting before he had to do other shit. “-which is obviously why I’m saying _no._ ”

 

“B-but why n—

 

“Are you _s—”_ Looked at him like he had a fourth toe growing out of his face. “-did you _forget_ you already have a _boyfriend—_

 

“-Hey, hey I’ll call Mark about it right now—” Pulls out his phone, actually started dialing. “-ayo, Markeu.”

 

“ _Whaddup.”_

 

“I gotta ask you something, man. Like really, really important.”

 

_“Uh, yeah, okay?”_

 

“Would you,” Lucas stops for a second, thinks about how he should phrase it. “-uh, would you...um, would you dump, uh…”

 

“ _I’m listening, Lucas. Would I dump what? I got a lotta work to do —hurry up, yo.”_

 

“W-would you, uh, um, dump, uh, me, uh, if, uh...” Realizes the only way he can word it is in English (he’s got no clue how to flip it to Korean…). “-I let, um, Doyoung, uh... _h-hit it from the back…_? _”_

 

He’s met with a long silence. Doyoung continues staring at him as if more toes are growing out of his face. _This is actually happening, this is actually fucking happening._

 

On the other end, Mark makes a sound like a wet fart being slowly let out.

 

“... _wait...what…?”_

 

Lucas rolled his eyes, sighing impatiently. “-yo, _serious_ question, man —I need your _serious_ answer—

 

_“-The fuck, Lucas, I don’t even understand the goddamn question —what ‘hit it from the back’—_

 

“Mark—

 

“ _Hit_ what _from the back —Who’s back’s getting hit— Look, I’ve had a long-ass ride —you can’t speak in riddles, oka—_

 

Doyoung snatched the phone from him and covered the speakers with his hand. “-okay, lemme explain it to him, alright —give me two minutes.”

 

“Thanks, dude —I owe you—

 

_You bet your ass, you do. Goddamn turning_ _my_ _day into a long-ass ride,_  storming off to the nearest bathroom.

 

**...**

 

_“Wait, you’re gonna do_ what _—_

 

Doyoung whips the phone away —almost flings it in the toilet. He sighed, rolling his eyes, then brought it back to his ear.

 

“Look —this whole mess wasn’t even _my_ idea —I was minding my own goddamn business doing some harmless cover and then _Lucas_ barges and just—

 

“- _Okay, but you’re covering a song where the second line is literally ‘hit it from the back and drive you wild’.”_

 

“Yeah?”

 

“ _And you know what it means?”_

 

_“_ Uh _,_ yeah?” Doyoung squints, shrugging. “-hello —I have _Google_ on my phone, stupid?”

 

_“And knowing what the lyrics mean, you still decided to cover the song.”_

 

“Yes, Mark, I did.” He retorted. “-now would you please stop talking like a frickin’ preschool teacher and tell me what the heck is wrong?”

 

Mark sighed on the other end and Doyoung felt like he could hear his hand gripping his forehead.

 

_“You know this whole thing is kinda your fault.”_

 

Doyoung blinked.

 

“Um... _w_ _hat—?”_

 

_“Yeah, no, I mean look at it —you chose to cover this song, when you literally could’ve covered anything else that didn’t involve ‘hitting it from the back’ but you—_

 

“- _Shit_ , it’s not _my_ fault that according to _Lucas logic_ in order for me to _feel_ the song I need to fucking _be_ the song —believe me Mark, _I don’t wanna ‘hit it from the back’_ any more than you’d wanna crack eggs for the rest of your life — _I don’t know how Lucas’s mind works—_

 

_“-Hyung, trust me, nobody does —if I had any idea what kinda shit goes through his mind on a daily basis, I wouldn’t have so many goddamn complaints in the bedroom—_

 

“I really _did not_ need to know that information just n—

 

“- _Yo_ , _he tried to fuck me with a toothbrush last n—_

 

Water flew up in the air —Doyoung tries to grab the phone but all he gets is a fistful of splashes (or clear urine, God knows at this point) and he anxiously (but still kinda gingerly) picks it out the toilet, wrapping it in ten layers of toilet paper. He wanted to wash the whole thing with soap but was afraid he might damage it further (he’d just have to let Lucas deal with it later...) quickly dries the phone before bringing it close (but _a lot_ farther than before) to his ear.

 

“Mark? Hey, Mark you still there?”

 

Sound crackles from the other end and Doyoung sighs in relief.

 

_“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Heard something crash though, are you okay—_

 

“-Yeah, sorry, I dropped you in the toilet.” He pauses. “-you can still hear me, right?”

 

_“Yeah, yeah_ — _I can, it’s fine.”_

 

“Hey, actually I think I hear water burbling from the other end —you sure you oka—

 

_“-It’s the stress, hyung, it’s the stress.”_ Then Mark pauses. _“-you know honestly, Doyoung-hyung_ — _maybe you should actually take responsibility for what’s happening.”_

 

“...Wait — _what_?”

 

“ _Yeah, seriously. I’m not kidding.”_

 

“Am I _hearing_ this correctly?” Doyoung repeats into the phone. “-are _you_ , Mark Lee, actually giving me permission to,” He paused, sighing (Of course he knew how to flip it into Korean, but that didn’t mean he wanted to, in front of _Mark_ of all people…) “- _hit it from the back_ —like straight _into Luc_ —

 

_“Ughhh, don’t put it that way, hyungggg...Look, he drives me crazy sometimes, okay_ — _I got an idea. It’s gonna be fun, seriously.”_

 

“Okay? I’m listening?”

 

_“Lucas is messing with you, obviously, right?”_

 

“Yeah? Sure, I guess.”

 

_“Okay, so, we’re just gonna do it back to him, okay? You’re just gonna pretend you’re gonna,”_ Mark pauses (he knows how to flip it into Korean, but only in the literal sense, he hasn’t gotten the slang right), rolling his eyes. “ _-hit it from the back_ — _God, why is it worded like that_ — _anyways, so every time you’re about to do it, somehow make it so you guys always get interrupted by something completely random.”_

 

“Wh—” Doyoung squints. “- _why_ am I going into all this trouble just to avoid _hitting him from the back_ —

 

_“Okay, woah, no, stop —you totally worded it wrong that time, hyung_ — _now it just sounds like you’re gonna whip him_ —

 

“Honestly, I don’t really see the difference at this point—

 

_“Woah, woah, okay, Doyoung, here’s the deal_ — _you successfully avoid ‘hitting it from the back’ five times and if Lucas isn’t completely worn out by then_ — _you have permission to ‘hit it from the back’ into my boyfriend_ — _but you do_ not _have permission to whip him, oka_ —

 

“-Okay, first of all, Mark —what the _actual_ shit —second, _I’m not even interested in ‘hitting it’ into your boyfriend_ —

 

_“Hey, whoa, yo, what’s the problem_ — _is he not attractive_ —

 

“-Mark, God, _stop it_ —the _hell_ are you do — _are you actually advertising your boyfriend to me right n_ —

 

_“-No, no, no, of course not, I’m just a little offended_ — _like are you judging my taste in guys or_ —

 

“You know what —honestly, _I am_ —Look, if you’re only dating Lucas for his looks, I completely understand.” He confessed, staring at the mint stall door. “-because all _I_ see bouncing around in his brain are a bajillion purple Martians, _wassup man_ and whole lotta _geokjeongHAjiMa~_ —

 

_“Five times, okay, five times, Doyoung. Then you’re free to_ —

 

“-I love how you’re acting like that’ll be a reward for me —I’m not joking, Mark, I have absolutely no interest in your boyfriend, like, at all—

 

_“Like not even a little_ — _like your heart didn’t even go a tiny bit ‘doki doki’ when he just debuted_ —

 

“-Stop goddamn advertising him, Mark — _I will not b_ —

 

_“Okay, fine, then_ — _film the whole thing. Film the whole five times and then send it to me and I’ll come collect Lucas from you right after_ —

 

“-Why do I have to do all of this sh—

 

_“Because I literally have, like, my only break right now_ — _I just got news the other day that I might be in NCT China_ — _dude, I’m not even freakin’ Chinese_ — _like can you just help a bro out and let me do a few short hours of hot yoga in my underwear to just collect the remainders of my brain cells_ — _if Lucas walks in on me, he’s just gonna use it as another invitation to eat my ass agai_ —

 

“- _TMI,_ Mark, fucking  _TMI_ —

 

_“-Okay but like, Doyoung-hyung seriously, if you ever come across online ass-eating classes, please sign Lucas the fuck up because man, he really gotta improve if he’s ever g_ —

 

“-Mark, I am positively appalled at what you think I do in my spare time —but all befuddlement aside, you know what, fine, I’ll fucking do this five times thing because the thought of annoying Lucas half to death actually sounds quite entertaining…”

 

_“Ay, man, that’s the spirit. Okay, now don’t bother me_ — _I’m trying to downward dog into cobra pose_ —

 

Doyoung squints, bringing the phone a bit closer to his ear.

 

“Is that _music_ I hear in the background?”

 

_“Hell yeah it is,”_ Mark grins, humming the tune. _Been there all night. Been there all day._ Can’t help himself and blurts out. _“-and Doyoung-g-g-g-g-g  got Lucas walkin’ siide to siiii_ —

 

He cuts off the line just as the other bursts out laughing, he can hear the spit flying from the other end. Shakes his head, sighs. Turns to the left.

 

“Taeil-hyung?”

 

“Uh, yeah?” Not completely able to hide his surprise at being found out (yet again) eavesdropping in the neighboring stall.

 

Doyoung honestly didn’t care at this point —the guy pre-rehearsed in the bathroom so often he probably knew all of NCT’s dirtiest secrets by now —no issue though, since he never said anything about it. It was like therapy, almost.

 

“How much you wanna bet Mark Lee bodyrolls to Ariana Grande when no one’s around?”

 

There’s silence.

 

Then Taeil snorts, probably shaking his head. “-my whole damn wallet.”

 

**...**

 

As it turns out, Taeil was broke that day and Doyoung realized he’d have to find an alternative means to make that good good. Which gave him an idea.

 

Dials Mark two seconds later, who answers with an odd: “- _hnnnnnnnnnnngghhhh...”_

 

“Uh, Mark you okay?” Hears a very pained grimace from the other side, muffled and rather far away.

 

“ _...hyung, my head is literally inside my ass right now, whyyyyyyy are you calling meeeee…”_

 

“Oi —what kinda wackass yoga —Mark, are you _actually_ finding your inner zen or just doing the _whole Kama Sutra solo—_

 

_“Not frickin’ funny, hyung —I’m in the middle of releasing my fourth chakra, okay —I can’t do it without full concentra—_

 

“Wow, Mark, if the fourth chakra is eating your own ass, what’s the last one _—giving birth to yourself a second ti—_

 

A series of muffled thuds, crashes and pinched curses echo from the other end, then he hears Mark sighing. “ _-great, Doyoung-hyung —probably busted my appendix ‘cuza th—_

 

“-Well, it  _is_ a vestigial organ —not like you really needed it anyways—

 

“- _Yeah thanks for the love, really appreciate it —anyways, why’re you calling again?”_

 

“I, uh, have an idea…” Doyoung looks to the side. “-for...us to make some, uh, profit…?”

 

_“...”_

 

“Mark?”

 

_“...and this involves Lucas, doesn’t it…”_

 

“Uh, _yeah_ —hello, he _started_ this mess —he’s gonna _see_ this thunderfuck to it’s earth-shattering end...”

 

_“Okay, now, I’m actually kinda scared…”_

 

Doyoung just scoffed.

 

“ _Pssh_. Quitcha bitching —and lemme tell you the master plan.”

 

**...**

 

After getting him in on the plan too, Lucas was surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly…) completely okay with it. _It’s just like a really long music video, man._ Doyoung had snorted. _Yeah, but like, without any music and being naked and flopping around on the bed._ He’d waved it off. _Eh, I’ve done that before. We all gotta get born somehow, right?_  The other just nodded slowly. He’d wanted to say something salty, but was actually kind of impressed.

 

Mark, somehow sort of intrigued by the whole idea, decided to search up the specifics and nudged Doyoung went he found some pretty sweet info. _Hey, look_ — _you can make like, $50 000 a week if you make this a part-time gig, holy shit._ Doyoung had shook his head, waving it off. _Yo, I just want some money for sandwiches, okay, Mark_ — _not a whole ass house..._

 

“Okay, just a heads up,” Doyoung raises his hands. “-I’m not taking off my clothes.”

 

Lucas squints at him, already half-undressed.

 

“B-but then, _how_ —

 

“Lucas, it’s just _that_ part that goes inside, not my _entire body…_ ”

 

“Okay, but like, you’re still gonna put—

 

“- _No_ , I’m _not_ gonna put that in either...”

 

The other’s eyes nearly bug out of his head. “-then _what_ —

 

“-We can just use a prop or something and then blur it out, or pixelate it —don’t they do that all the time in porn anyways?”

 

“-Well, I mean, yeah I guess…” Mark called over, in a tight pretzel. “-but then you gotta find something that’s relatively similar to the shape and size of...the, uh...thing…?”

 

“No problem,” Doyoung brushed off. “-Dollarama’s right down the street —Haechan and Yuta are over there buying snacks and shit —I’ll just call ‘em to get us so—

 

Lucas jerks his head —like he got bit in ass by a shark. “- _Aiieee_ , hyung, wait a minute — _you gonna stuff a Coffee Crisp in my butt—_

 

“ _What_ —no…!”

 

“Then what’re they gonna _get_ —

 

“I don’t _know_ —lemme just _call_ them, okay…” Rolls his eyes, dials Haechan. Walks over, puts the phone to Mark’s ear. “-hey, Hyuck —yo, yo, okay, um, can you, like, get us something? Okay, I don’t know, like, uh, something um...like…” He looks at Doyoung for help (probably should’ve figured the guy wasn’t about to give him even a vague description…). “-um, uh, okay...something like, kinda long and not too skinny…?”

 

Doyoung whips the phone away, staring up at the ceiling mystified. _Darn really gotta do everything yourself if you wanna get anything done…_ “-okay, Haechan, listen —just get something that looks like a flashlight, okay? Okay, yeah, yup, good, yeah, okay, bye.”

 

Lucas snorts, pancake spread on the bed, fully naked now. 

 

“...so Doyoung-hyung’s dick looks like a flashlight…”

 

The other guy groaned, glaring at the ceiling again. _God, I don’t even wanna fake hit Lucas anymore..._

 

**...**

 

“I mean, well, maybe, it _kinda_ …”

 

Doyoung looks at Mark, beyond done.

 

“If you think this looks _remotely_ like my dick, you _gotta b_ —

 

“-Well, isn’t it at least _close_ in terms of, uh, colour _—_

 

“ _It’s a Barbie doll with no hair. Or clothes. Half a leg is missing.”_

 

Lucas peers at it closer. “-hey, hyung —it’s also missing a thumb and two toes.”

 

Doyoung zones out for a bit and thinks back to what Haechan told him. _Sorry, hyung but like, we used up most of our money so we couldn’t buy a flashlight and then one of the Dollarama employees took us to a separate room in the store with all the rejected toys they couldn’t sell, so yeah…_

 

“Okay, someone lend me a belt and some duct tape…” He shook his head. _Don’t damn get paid enough for this shit…_

 

**...**

 

“Okay, so, Lucas, I’m not actually gonna put it inside,” Doyoung explained. “-because I checked, and like, the head is actually not very secure…”

 

“Oh, so, like…”

 

“Yeah,” He nodded. “-if I _hit it_ too fast, it’ll pop off, and then you’ll have a disembodied Barbie head floating around inside your butt…”

 

“Swag.”

 

“No. _Not_ swag. We’ll have to go to an _asshole_ ologist or whatever the hell you call doctors wh—

 

“-Wait, wait, wait—” Mark calls from the corner, head perking up. “- _y_ - _you can get paid for yanking things outta people’s bu—_

 

“Well, obviously, _that’s not their entire job description…_ ” Doyoung rolled his eyes, coating the tragic plastic doll in Vaseline, focusing his gaze on anywhere but it. “-and why do you sound so _excited_ — _do you plan on offering such services in the fu—_

 

“Wh— _no_ , I just…” Mark shook his head, trying not to snap his spine from pigeon pose. “-learn a new thing every day, right?”

 

“Yo, yo — _apparently_ _you can also get paid for classifying farts—_!” Lucas called behind him, winking. “-if you ever need extra money, man.”

 

Doyoung sighed. What the actual fuck.

 

**...**

 

“Yo, hyung — _why’re you putting a condom on the—_

 

“It’s an _abandoned_ toy, Lucas.” Doyoung rolled his eyes. “-and the world is fucked up —I’m not taking _any_ chances—

 

“Aw, you care about me, man…”

 

“I just don’t wanna hafta pay for medical costs if I accidentally give you —I dunno — _anal herpes—_

 

“Okay, but yo,” Mark cranes his neck, feeling something in his ankle pop. “-I don’t think anal herpes is a thing, Doyou—

 

“ _Mark Lee, I don't wanna hear it from you —ya left foot's nearly up your esophagus  —if it’s not anal herpes it’s toe herpe—_

 

“-Ay! _Tryna_ _become a lotus is_ _easier said than d—_

 

“You don’t look like a lotus, Mark, _you look like a Chinese finger trap—_

 

“ _Then lemme finger myself in peace, dammit—_

 

The bald Barbie hits the floor and cracks into three parts, Doyoung fumbles and crashes onto the ground too —luckily it’s carpeted, gasping from how hard he’s laughing. Mark sees Lucas losing it on the bed too, somehow his ass is still in the air, making it look like the laughter wasn’t coming from his mouth…

 

Mark huffed, picking dustballs out of his hair, shaking his head.

 

“...goddamn busted my sixth chakra cuz’a y’all.”

 

**...**

 

“So we can’t use the Barbie anymore…” Doyoung shook his head, called over. “-yo, Mark check the fridge for—

 

“-Hyung — _on my life —_ You are _not_ putting _a fullass cucumber inside the Lucussy—_

 

Blows the fattest raspberry, looking at Mark in disbelief. “-first of all, _I would never,_ second — _you call it the Lucussy—_

 

“That’s actually such a great name, man.” Lucas looked over, giving his man a thumbs up. “-I was thinking more on the lines of _Thor’s Unbreakable Antihammer_ but I’m always down for economic word choice, dude—

 

“-Thanks, babe.” Mark looks over, trying to untangle a limb from his Achilles’ tendon. “-okay, Doyoung what kinda dildo do you have in mind?”

 

“Literally just grab anything that’ll fit inside a condom and won’t give Lucas a butt hemorrhage…”

 

**...**

 

“Mark, when I told you to get viable props…” Doyoung sighed at their range of choices. “-I was assuming you would  _use your brain_ —

 

“- _Hello_ —your description _was so vague_ —I could've literally dragged the _whole ass_ _fridge right here—_

 

“This is not _even_ a—” Doyoung grabs one of the beyond unsatisfactory candidates. “-Mark — _this is a fucking baguette_ —cucumbers can _barely_ fit inside a normal h — _the tip of this bread is almost the size of a newborn baby's head_ —

 

“ _-And_ , _and,_ what if it _breaks_ _inside my ass_ —” Lucas added anxiously, looking over at Mark, appalled. It was starting to get rather chilly lying on the bed buck naked so he'd thrown a pillow and some spare hoodies over himself. “-I don't wanna have a whole Hansel and Gretel situation goin’ on, thank you very much—

 

“Oh, it won't just be bread crumbs, Lucas,” Doyoung continued, disappointed (but ultimately not surprised) at Mark's naive dildo selections. “-you're gonna be swimming with _chunks_ of the stuff —it’s gonna be like _101 Dalmatians, except with bread_ —

 

“Okay, okay, okay!” Mark rolled his eyes, glaringly aware he'd not done the job right (dildo selectionier wasn't even a legitimate occupation for crying out loud…). “-what about the other stuff?”

 

“Well, there's this.” Doyoung holds up an empty soju bottle by the neck. “-not bad in terms of overall size and shape, but if _anyone's_ seen _One Man One Jar_ — _we all know what can happen if we put glass inside the ass_ —

 

“Oh,  _shit,_ Doyoung — _you’ve seen One Man One Jar_ —

 

“Actually, I _haven't_ —Jaehyun was just describing it to me the other day —he and Taeyong had to watch it for some dumbass dare that Johnny— _never mind it's not important_ — _why is there still more bread_ —

 

“-It's not just _any_ bread — _it’s Jaehyun's_ bread — _he even dipped it in queso_ — _you know how lucrative rare kink is these days_ —

 

“Mark, _wh_ —

 

“ _Hyung, if we wanna spend a bag on the regular, we can’t be ordinary, irregular_ —

 

**...**

 

“Okay, look Mark, regular-schmegular — _I am not putting anything food related inside Lucas's ass_ —

 

“B-but I searched so hard for those baby cucumbers — _they’re literally the perfect size_ —

 

Lucas sniffled, shaking his head, touched. “-wow...baby cucumbers from my baby 손. ”

 

“ _I swear to God,_ Lucas.” Mark grit, half his body mid-air in sun salutations. “-if I hear _one more_ baby 손 _, I'm cancelling this whole operation_ —

 

**...**

 

“Okay, Lucas, you gotta tell me what you're into,”

 

“ _It’s okay, man_.” The guy twists his arm back, sending a heart. “- _I'm not afraid of anything._ ”

 

“ _He literally isn't,_ ” Mark's muffled voice drifted over from child's pose. “-Yuta sent him some freakyass Japanese tentacle shit as a joke last night — _yo,_   _he wasn't even_ —

 

“-Okay, but like, I need _some sort of basis_ , guys —Lucas, you gotta tell me what's not okay—

 

“Okay, man!” He gave him a thumbs up. “-s’long as it's smaller than my head —it can go inside my butt.”

 

“Any shape preferences—

 

“-Barney the Dinosaur—

 

“ _That's bigger than your head, Lucas_ —

 

**...**

 

“So I couldn't find Barney the Dinosaur…” Mark shook his head, holding out a bag of stuff. “-but I stole a buncha shit from Johnny and Jaehyun's room —pretty sure we’ll find someth—

 

“-Speaking of Jaehyun.” Doyoung began taking out each item individually, examining its general shape and approximating how well it would fit inside the designated region. “-literally just bought him a cardigan the other day —like that quality 100% cashmere kinda shit, right —dude tells me this morning that he “ruined” it because he “had a little too much fun” with Taeyong’s saxophone last night…” He looks over at Mark (whose head had reunited with his behind yet again) “-how exactly am I supposed to interpret that, again?”

 

“Wow, hyung, guess you could never tell from his face, but,” Mark shook his head (as much as his current position allowed, anyways). “-guy sure's into some really weird shit…”

 

“ _Can we please not talk about Jaehyun while we’re trying to stick a desk lamp or something inside my ass.”_  Lucas pleaded. He’d been laying on the bed for so long he felt like he was starting to merge with the mattress. “-hyung, seriously, the _same_ thing happened last last month  — _Mark just literally brought up Jaehyun outta nowhere_ when I was just tryna eat his ass—

 

“- _TM-fucking-I, Lucas, TMI_ —

 

“-Like Jaehyun’s great and all —graduating from banging milk to queso is to be commended, I guess, but like, _can we just focus on the ta_ —

 

“-Yo, on what kinda planet can you bang a _liquid_ —

 

“-Not _now_ , Mark —Lucas, quick question!” Doyoung hollered, finally finding something relatively not horrible to use for the thing. “-what did you say you were gonna call your, um, uh, _entryway to the dung dungeon_ —

 

“- _Thor’s Unbreakable Antihamm_ — hey, wait wh—

 

“-He just doesn’t like saying asshole—

 

“- _Shush it_ , okay,” Doyoung raised the chosen object in the air. “-I think we found a winner.”

 

Mark looks up, almost reiterates his lunch. "-no,  _stop—_

 

Lucas, completely unfazed, winks. "-baby don't stop."

 

**...**

 

“Yo, Doyoung-hyung, man,” Lucas complained. “-you gotta put more power into it —I can’t feel a thing—

 

“Lucas —this shit contains _batteries_ — _if it breaks inside your butt_ —you will _literally d_ —

 

“- _Then just take out the batteries_ —

 

“Okay, okay, hold up a second.” Peels back the latex, pops open the compartment, dumps out the contents. Clicks it back on. Slides it back in. “-okay, hey, are you feeling anything yet—

 

“Ughh, _no_ —you’re not moving it in the _right_ spot — _Mark, tell Doyoung where my prostate is_ —

 

“ _Lu_ — _wh_ — _How the fuck would I know_ —

 

“- _We’re born in the same year, man, they gotta be in the same place_ —

 

“- _Yup, yup, yup,_ _just_ _keep pullin' facts outta yo ass, homie_ —

 

“- _Whole lot more than what Doyoung’s pulling outta my ass, ho_ —

 

“- _Shut the hell up and just tell me where to wham the damn thing_ —

 

_“Okay, okay, just go left_ —

 

“ _Here_ —

 

“ _No, no, no, like, the other left, like camera left_ —

 

“ _Okay, h_ —

 

“ _No, east, east, go east and then go deep north across the bo_ —

 

“ _I’M NOT GODDAMN BILBO BAGGINS_ — _gimme with the exact location, oka_ —

 

_“-Just keep going in every direction then until you hit the_ —

 

“ _That’s what I’ve been doing for the past ten minutes, Lucas_ — _better tell your prostate to quit playing peekaboo or I’m gonna hit the wrong thing and make you pee_ —

 

“-Guys, guys, you’re at the wrong angle now, yo —the camera can’t get the whole butt —” Mark cut in, had somehow managed to hold the phone camera up the whole time whilst deep in his yoga session (considering how he flowed back and forth repeatedly from all angles, the finished product sure was gonna be interesting…). “-Doyoung-hyung you gotta tell Lucas to spin his ass around, hurry up —I’m going into downward dog again, I won’t be able get—

 

“ _You heard your boo, Lucas_ — _move your butt_ —

 

“ _Hyung, you’re literally gripping one buttcheek already, move my butt yourself_ —

 

And in some incredible twist of miraculousness, Doyoung managed to wheel Lucas around at just the right moment so that when he rammed it inside again, somehow hit the—

 

“- _GeokjeongHA—”_ Lucas choked, collapsing face down into the mattress.

 

“Lucas.” Slapping him lightly on the head. “- Lucas, you okay.”

 

“... _brsvjdwatji, man —that’s what I need...”_ Gives him a thumbs up, barely lifting his wrist. “- _you know me.”_

 

“Okay. Got it.”

 

**...**

 

A few hours later, Doyoung hears a scream coming from the next room. Realizes he just dumped the damn thing into Jaehyun’s sink without washing anything because he had to rush back to finish his cover video. Ran back, to the other guy giving him the look of pure trauma.

 

Holds his hands up. “-yo, Jae, I can expl—

 

“- _Hyung_ , when I said I had _too much fun_ with the saxophone last night I meant _I was blowing bubbles out of it_ — _not putting it inside m—_

 

Words fly out all at once from Doyoung’s mouth and—

 

“Woah, woah, woah, _whoa_ — _hold up. Hold up._ ” Jaehyun stared at him, even more confused. “-look, math was never my best subject, aight? So like, please _explain_ to me how exactly you derived the formula in which you can _produce sandwiches from shoving my NCT lightstick into Lucas’s assho—_

 

**...**

 

“ _Agghhhh_ _, waeeeee,_ Doyoung-hyung, I _literally_ can’t _—_ ” Lucas plunged backwards onto the other guy’s bed, shoving the phone screen into his face. Barely two days since they uploaded the vid. “-look at it — _just look at it, and tell me what’s wrong.”_

 

“Wait, wh—” Doyoung squinted. “-hey, what exactly am I looking at...”

 

“ _Exactly_ —Mark doesn’t know how to friggin’ do this _sh_ — _I told him_ just to pixelate the face and the dicks — _he pixelated the entire bodie—_

 

“So—

 

“ _I look like a goddamn futon—_

 

“Lucas, calm d—

 

_“-You look like a bunch of Leggos—”_ Lucas's eyes stayed glued to the screen, suddenly hit by a traumatic YouTube video he saw when he was like, nine — _How to have sex on Minecraft._ That’s what it looked like. That’s what it frickin’ looked like. His modelling career was over.  _Bye-bye, Balenciaga. Annyeong, Armani. In the next life, Yeez—_

 

“-Well. At least they’ll never know it’s us.”

 

Lucas blinked, sucks back tears. Lightbulb. “-oh, hey,  _truee_..." Good save, good save, God bless.

 

Peers closer. "-hey, hey, look. He forgot to pixelate the lightstick.”

 

“What in the...”

 

**...**

 

“- _you’re so  "—" precious when you smi—_

 

“Yo, yo, yo, Doyoung!”

 

He looks over, groaning (had to re-record because he’d forgotten to turn on the microphone the other day, God knows why…). Mark’s running over, hair bouncing, face looking like it’ll burst from his watermelon grin.

 

“Okay, wh—

 

“Yo, someone posted the video on YouTube and it went _viral—”_ He doubled over, gasping, couldn’t even show the guy what was on his screen. “- _they called it Two Trees One Stick—_

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...uh
> 
> *more uneasy laughter*
> 
>  
> 
> (also not really related but found out apparently ten's gonna be in nct china, bless this life he is no longer jobless, also apparently mark's not gonna be in it, bless that too bc that boy needs rest *praying hands*)


End file.
